Home > animals, conspiracy theories, intelligence, research > Are your cats evil geniuses, and plotting your demise?

Are your cats evil geniuses, and plotting your demise?



I have a masters degree in Learning and Animal Behaviour, really. I’m not bragging either, just providing some background for you to judge this blog by. I know how bees let their hive mates know about the location of food sources with a neat little dance. I know that you can train an African Gray Parrot to have better verbal skills than the average call center employee in India. I know that gorillas can lie if the need arises, and am aware of one female chimpanzee who learned to trade sexual favors for food … not personally aware you understand!

I had a 100 years of amazing research behind me when I was done my degree. Give me a rat and a maze and I was your man. A pigeon and some grain? I could make BF Skinner my bitch! I did get bitten by a monkey once, I forget if it was Jake or Elwood, but that aside, I was a finely tuned machine. I even understood that Far Side cartoon where the janitor couldn’t reach the banana hanging from the ceiling. Then we got our first cat.

I thought I understood animal intelligence. I had written papers comparing brain size and tool use in chimps and early humans. I understood all the principles of conditioning. None of that prepared me for owning a cat. Dogs are easy, they want to perform for you. Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs. We had a dog growing up. I just don’t think it’s fair to leave a dog home alone all day. Dogs are high maintenance, like blondes. Cats are more like brunettes. A cat wouldn’t care if you didn’t call it the next day after hooking up… a dog would follow you home that night.

Our first cat, Pebbles, was a Cornish Rex, a breed that is hypo-allergenic, which was the main reason we got her. She was actually a Texan, and as much as my education tells me not to humanize or anthropomorphise animals, it showed! She had some serious attitude, and took no crap from anyone, least of all me. She had me wound round her little cat finger.  I had no idea how to get her to do anything, which in retrospect was a great preparation for marriage. Pebbles eventually succumbed to cancer, but my wife and I were now officially cat people. We got another Cornish Rex cat, Simon, and now also have two ‘regular’ cats – Jet and Zack.

I recently woke up with all three cats on the bed. Well, Simon sleeps in the bed with us, just like Pebbles did. The three of them seemed a bit too alert, at least for animals that sleep 23 hours a day, and I swear they were up to something. I now have trouble sleeping as I don’t trust them, and if you have cats you shouldn’t trust them either. Any animal that only shows real love when you are opening a can of tuna, and most of the time seems totally oblivious to your presence is not to be trusted. The fact they can resist my extensive educational prowess worries me too … screw dolphins, my theory is that cats are actually FAR smarter than other animals and that they just tolerate us while they are planning to take over. Watch your cats closely for a few days if you have any, you’ll soon come to believe me.

Perhaps I should have gotten a dog instead. You’ve all heard about Pavlov’s dog, right, well he did have a cat as well you know. The cat was sitting in the corner laughing it’s ass off every time that damn bell rang.





  1. Fiona
    March 29, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    LOL – Love it…….

  1. April 12, 2010 at 7:15 pm

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